When I began this whole weight loss journey, there was no room for debate in what I wanted; I was so singleminded that I gave up virtually everything cold turkey and I gave it my all.
Shockingly, with such a huge goal in sight, I was able to stick to my game plan relatively easily. Desperation – the desire to finally achieve something notable, or maybe just the desire to look at myself and not feel as though I’ve let everyone down (it’s a hard distinction to make) – pushed me to stay on track and keep motivated.
In hindsight, it was absolutely wonderful.
It seems strange to say that I yearn for the days of such aforementioned desperation, but there it is, it’s the truth. In the last 522 days I have achieved huge successses, and personal victories… Sadly, none of that progress occurred in the last 218 days.
When I moved to London last August, I gave myself a grace period to settle in; there was lots of pizza and beer and desserts because there were goodbye parties, welcome home parties, and general chaos while I was getting settled in and I decided that was okay. I may gain a few pounds, but in the grand scheme of things it would be short lived.
That grace period has lasted months longer than it ever should have, and though I still went to the gym (though infrequently) and watched my calories (loosely) I was hardly diligent.
So where does complacency come into it all? I’ve told myself all along that aside from the few pounds I gained over Christmas, I hadn’t gained anything else. Five to eight pounds, though counterproductive, was negligable, and easy enough to lose again.
When I’ve talked about my weight loss in the recent months, it has been to qualify that I haven’t ‘gained’ very much – which, yes, in itself is a bit of a win – but what I neglected to actually absorb into my thought processes was that in not gaining much, I also hadn’t lost anything.
I should have known that complaceny, though easy, wouldn’t feel good. It took me a while to realize it, but at this point, I’ve lost some of that muscle I built up during all that hard work last summer and now I’m back to being a jiggly jello-y mess.
So, today is a new day, and a new start. It isn’t about being super skinny and fit, it isn’t about being gorgeous, but it is about finally feeling safe and comfortable in my own skin – something that I honestly don’t know that I’ve ever felt.
I don’t like that I got complacent and was so easily swayed to maintain as opposed to continue pursuing it, and as such this blog is going to be a part of my accountability to myself, and of course to others. If I don’t do something to change what I don’t like, there’s no one to blame except for me.